Summary
Overview
This Armchair Anonymous episode features four wild dinner party stories from listeners across North America. From a chaotic Cousinsgiving involving oil explosions and dog bites, to a hostess shooting birds mid-meal, a husband's projectile vomiting disaster, and a 10-year-old's catastrophic pool cue jumping accident, these tales showcase dinners gone spectacularly wrong.
Jillian's Cousinsgiving Catastrophe: Oil, Blood, and a Runaway Dog
Jillian from northern New Jersey recounts her disastrous first attempt at hosting Cousinsgiving in December 2022. What should have been a simple six-person gathering turned into chaos when her husband accidentally bought vegetable oil instead of broth and coated the turkey in it the night before. The comedy of errors continued with a too-small oven, forcing them to grill the turkey in the rain, followed by Jillian getting bitten by a nervous dog and their escape during the commotion.
- Husband mistakenly bought vegetable oil instead of vegetable broth (they don't sell broth by the gallon) and covered the turkey in it
- The oil explosion created a slippery floor throughout the kitchen and used an entire Costco package of paper towels to clean
- The turkey pan was too large for their small oven, forcing them to cook it on a grill in the pouring rain
- Jillian was bitten by a nervous dog while greeting it palm-up instead of with the top of her hand
- With no paper towels left, she had to use decorative Thanksgiving napkins that didn't absorb blood
- The dog escaped through a cracked door and ran into the street near a busy intersection before being retrieved
- Despite all the chaos, the grilled turkey came out beautifully with a nice crispy crust from all the oil
" I can cook to save my life. Like I could boil a mean pot of water. You know, I could be a sous chef, but my husband does all the cooking. "
" I started cranking it. And then I can't remember what the catalyst was, but, you know, you agitate it in any way. And it wasn't, you know, like a little bit of a geyser. Nothing caught fire, but the window just had covered in oil. "
Kat's Bird Murder Dinner Party in Muskoka
Kat from Iowa shares her surreal experience at a dinner party in Muskoka, Canada in 2001 when she was 19. Her aunt's friend Betty hosted an elegant outdoor dinner for 15-20 people, but mid-meal, Betty excused herself, retrieved her shotgun, and shot several crows before calmly returning to dinner as if nothing happened. The bizarre contrast between her concern about the 'tackiness' of leaving wine bottles on the table versus murdering birds shocked young Kat.
- Betty apologized for being 'super tacky' by leaving wine bottles on the table during the elegant outdoor dinner
- Mid-dinner, Betty excused herself, went inside, and returned with her shotgun
- She fired one shot to scatter the crows, then three more shots, killing several birds
- She casually mentioned the crows were a 'constant nuisance' and said she'd clean it up later before continuing dinner
- No other guests said anything about the incident - everyone just continued eating
- Kat's aunt simply laughed it off later, saying Betty was 'a little quirky'
" She said it was tacky to put the wine bottle on the table. But thought nothing then to go get her shotgun and murder birds. "
" I never had [heard wine on table was tacky]. And you go to eat at restaurants and order a bottle of wine and they set it on the table. You know, I thought nothing of it. "
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