Summary
Overview
Mark Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, discusses his journey from childhood abuse survivor to emotional intelligence pioneer. He shares how his Uncle Marvin gave him 'permission to feel,' leading to a career developing SEL curriculum now used in thousands of schools. The conversation explores the science of emotions, regulation strategies, and why emotional intelligence is crucial for wellbeing, relationships, and success.
Uncle Marvin and Permission to Feel
Mark shares his childhood trauma of being sexually abused from ages 5-10, followed by public exposure on television at age 12 that led to bullying and an eating disorder. His Uncle Marvin became the transformative figure who created safe space for him to open up, displaying qualities of non-judgment, warmth, curiosity, and compassion. This relationship became the foundation for Mark's life work on emotional intelligence and the concept of 'permission to feel.'
- Mark was sexually abused by parents' best friend from ages 5-10, kept it secret due to fear and shame
- Uncle Marvin was a middle school teacher by day, band leader at Catskill resort by night - a Dead Poets Society meets Dirty Dancing character
- Uncle Marvin created safe space through non-judgment, curiosity, warmth, and compassion - key qualities of an emotion ally
- Mark disclosed abuse on national television at age 12, which led to being ostracized and bullied at school
- Only a third of people have an Uncle Marvin figure in their lives who creates conditions to be open about feelings
" My father would say things like, when I was a teenager, to give you a clue into his charisma. Like, son, I used to beat kids up like you. "
" It's never worry alone. Why should you suffer by yourself? Because it's strong. Which is ridiculous. "
The Journey to Emotional Intelligence Work
After his mother called him a 'loser' at age 23, Mark reconnected with Uncle Marvin and decided to pull him out of retirement to write a curriculum together. This led to pursuing a PhD in psychology with John Mayer, co-creator of the emotional intelligence theory. Mark's personal struggles became the foundation for developing SEL (Social Emotional Learning) programs now used by 5,000 schools reaching 10 million children worldwide.
- Mark's mother told him 'you're a loser' at a diner, died four months later from pancreatic cancer
- Uncle Marvin was forced to retire in the 1970s-80s because parents found his emotional education program too provocative
- Mark initially got rejected from Yale but was accepted to University of New Hampshire to study with John Mayer
- Mark met his husband Horacio on a movie set where Mark worked as a stunt coordinator for his martial arts background
" What I get accolades for, what I get to talk with you about, is what got my uncle fired. "
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