Summary
Overview
Paul, Jason, and June tackle Underworld: Blood Wars, the fifth installment in the vampire-werewolf franchise, during a live show in Boston. The hosts struggle to understand the convoluted plot involving bloodlines, hybrids, and an ancient war between vampires and lycans. Despite watching the film multiple times and consulting audience members who've seen the entire series, they remain confused about basic plot points like why Kate Beckinsale can walk in sunlight, what exactly makes a hybrid, and why the title is 'Underworld' if it's not actually set underground. The conversation touches on the film's oppressive darkness, Game of Thrones actors, impossible biology, and whether vampires and werewolves live among regular humans.
Introduction and Initial Reactions
The hosts introduce Underworld: Blood Wars to a Boston audience, immediately noting the film's extreme darkness and confusing mythology. They establish that this is the fourth or fifth film in the franchise, featuring an ongoing war between vampires and lycans. Jason admits this is his first Underworld film and he's completely confused, while June surprisingly claims she "did not mind" the movie despite being in a "weird place" mentally from watching too many bad films on tour.
- The film is extremely dark visually - if you liked the Game of Thrones episode where you couldn't see anything, this is for you
- Jason declares he is pro-lycan and thinks vampires just want to throw parties and drink blood
- The movie features comically oversized goblets for drinking blood
- June has been watching 2-3 terrible movies per day on tour and is actively depressed
- Kate Beckinsale barely speaks in the film beyond voiceover narration
" I am actively depressed. I don't even feel things anymore. "
" I have a pizza pimple. I have a pimple forming on my chin from the amount of pizza I've consumed in the last seven days. "
The Confusing Mythology and Exposition Dump
The hosts attempt to decode the film's opening exposition, which rapidly covers four previous movies. They discuss how Kate Beckinsale's character Selene was betrayed, fell in love with hybrid Michael Corvin, had a daughter named Eve while captured, and is now searching for both. The conversation reveals fundamental confusion about what vampires and lycans can do, whether they live among humans, and the basic rules of the world.
- The opening voiceover dumps exposition covering four full movies at breakneck speed
- Selene had a baby she didn't know about because she was pregnant when blown up and frozen
- The hosts realize there are no regular humans visible in the entire movie
- Vampires and lycans apparently live secretly among us like wizards in Harry Potter
" Why is this movie called The Underworld if it's not taking place in the underworld? "
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