Summary
Overview
Leadership expert Chris Wheatley shares a transformative lesson about feedback: we focus too much on giving it well and not enough on receiving it well. After his best friend at work told him he made her feel stupid during arguments, Chris learned to create psychological safety by responding to hard feedback with gratitude and openness. He introduces the TACT method (Thankfulness, Acknowledgement, Commitment, Thankfulness) for receiving feedback in ways that encourage people to be honest with us, demonstrating how this approach transformed his professional relationships, marriage, parenting, and relationship with his sister.
The Wake-Up Call: Difficult Feedback from a Best Friend
Chris Wheatley recounts the pivotal moment when his best friend and colleague, Christy, gave him painful but necessary feedback after an argument. She told him that during their disagreement, it seemed like he needed her to feel stupid. Though his immediate reaction was defensive, Chris recognized the courage it took for Christy to be honest rather than gossiping, complaining to their boss, or silently resenting him. This moment of vulnerability opened the door to transformative change in how he approached feedback.
- Chris got into an argument with his best friend at work, Christy, and thought everything was resolved
- Christy gave him difficult feedback: during their argument, it seemed like he needed her to feel stupid
- Chris's immediate reaction was defensive, running through all the reasons she was wrong
- Instead of saying those defensive thoughts, Chris simply said 'thank you for telling me' and meant it
- He recognized Christy could have gossiped, complained to their boss, or silently resented him instead
" it just seemed like, while we were arguing, that you needed me to feel stupid. "
" She could have done what I probably would have done, which is just silently resented me and not said anything. "
Recognizing Patterns: The Arrogance Problem
Chris acknowledges this wasn't the first time he'd received this type of feedback. He admits that when not at his best, he comes across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous, and a know-it-all—something he's deeply embarrassed and ashamed about. Rather than becoming defensive, he asked Christy for help, explaining that he can't hear himself doing it. Together, they developed a simple system where Christy would say 'you're doing your thing' whenever he exhibited these behaviors, allowing him to catch and correct himself in real-time.
- Chris had received feedback before about coming across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous, and a know-it-all
- He describes this pattern as the thing in his life he is most embarrassed about and oftentimes ashamed of
- Chris asked Christy to help him by telling him when he's doing it, since he can't hear himself
- They agreed Christy would simply say 'you're doing your thing' as a signal
- Chris noticed transformation in his relationships almost immediately after implementing this feedback system
" when I'm not at my best, I come across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous, and a know-it-all, which is a really nice combination and a great way to make friends, if you're interested. "
" I know I do this and I'm sorry. I don't want to, but I can't hear myself when I'm doing it. Can you help me? "
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