Summary
Overview
Dr. Chris Van Tulleken and Dr. Xand Van Tulleken sit down with chartered psychologist Kimberly Wilson for an in-depth discussion about crying, emotional expression, and how we respond to others' tears. The conversation challenges Chris's tendency to discourage crying, particularly with his daughters during homework time, as Kimberly explains that crying is a neutral emotional response rather than something to be suppressed. The discussion explores cultural attitudes toward crying, the intersection of emotion and decision-making, and why validation of feelings is crucial for emotional health.
Chris's Journey Toward Emotional Openness
Throughout the conversation, Chris visibly struggles with Kimberly's challenges to his worldview about crying. He admits to crying very rarely—perhaps once a year—and describes feeling uncomfortable with others' tears. By the end, he acknowledges that Kimberly has given him homework of his own, committing to respond differently to his daughters and reflecting on his discomfort with emotional expression. The transformation isn't complete, but the willingness to examine deeply held beliefs is evident.
- Chris admits he doesn't want to cry and last cried at Christmas 1988 as a child, then occasionally as an adult when very stressed
- Chris acknowledges the idea of crying being neutral is new and challenging for someone from a boys' school culture
- By the end, Chris commits to treating his daughters differently during homework and acknowledges he has work to do on his own beliefs
- Chris recognizes that changing deeply entrenched beliefs about identity is a journey, not a light-switch moment
" I don't want to cry. So I'm not sitting here going, I mustn't cry, I mustn't cry. I want to cry, but I'm not going to cry. I just don't have the desire or the drive to cry. "
" Changing your mind about these deeply entrenched beliefs about your own identity and about the identity of the people you love is a journey. There are moments you flick a switch and you're like, hmm, I think I'm persuaded I'm wrong, but I'm still going to have to go and do a bit of work on my own. "
Chris's Homework Battle and the Importance of Validation
Chris describes his approach to his daughters crying during math homework, believing they should save tears for serious issues rather than trivial tasks. Kimberly systematically dismantles this perspective, explaining that what seems trivial to an adult may represent overwhelming emotional accumulation for a child. She introduces the concept of validation—acknowledging feelings without judgment—as essential for helping children process emotions and feel safe bringing bigger problems to their parents later.
- Children crying over homework may not be about the homework itself, but about accumulated feelings from a long day of managing teachers, peers, and emotions
- Crying and completing tasks aren't mutually exclusive—a child can cry, feel validated, and then complete homework
- If a child grows up thinking their feelings are intolerable for their parent, they won't bring bigger, frightening feelings to them later
- Validation means acknowledging feelings without labeling them as incorrect or intolerable
" The tears may not be about the maths homework. They may be about all of the built up feeling. And even if it's good feeling, just a kind of a lot of exposure to the world for a small person at the end of the day. "
" If the child grows up thinking my feelings are intolerable for my parent then when bigger frightening feelings emerge later in life this teacher makes me feel icky or i feel unsafe over here that becomes less accessible for them to be able to come to you. "
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