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Hidden Brain
Hidden Brain

Do You Feel Loved?

April 20, 2026 • 1h 33m

Summary

⏱️ 11 min read

Overview

This Hidden Brain episode explores the gap between being loved and feeling loved, examining why we often fail to feel the affection that others genuinely have for us. Psychologist Sonia Lubomirsky discusses misguided strategies people use to feel loved—like showing off accomplishments or hiding flaws—and reveals that true connection comes from genuine curiosity, vulnerability, and making others feel loved first. The second half features psychologist Greg Walton responding to listener questions about negative thought spirals and how to escape them through reframing, proximal goals, and leaning on relationships.

The Gap Between Being Loved and Feeling Loved

Sonia Lubomirsky introduces the central paradox: most people are loved but don't feel loved. She shares that 70% of survey respondents report at least one relationship where they don't feel as loved as they'd like. This disconnect isn't limited to romantic relationships—it extends to friendships, family, workplace connections, and communities. The problem isn't that love is absent, but that we fail to perceive or internalize the love that's being offered to us.

  • 70% of people report at least one relationship where they don't feel loved enough
  • The gap between being loved and feeling loved is extremely common, possibly more than 70%
  • This disconnect happens across all types of relationships: romantic partners, family, friends, colleagues, and communities
  • Feeling unloved is closely related to loneliness and lack of belonging
" At the heart of a lot of problems in relationships or even breakups, it's a lack of feeling loved. No matter what the other person does, you still don't feel loved by them. "
" I'm going to date your Tesla. Like I'm impressed. "

Why We Don't Feel Loved: The Performance Trap

People deploy ineffective strategies when trying to feel loved. Lubomirsky describes how we try to impress others with accomplishments, physical attractiveness, or possessions—like a date showing off his Tesla. We also hide our flaws and vulnerabilities, thinking this will make us more lovable. These approaches create performance rather than connection. She broke up with someone who genuinely loved her primarily because he didn't text back quickly enough, illustrating how we misinterpret what love actually requires.

  • We try to impress others with extrinsic qualities like beauty, success, money, and possessions rather than showing our authentic selves
  • A date showed off his Tesla extensively, but this impressed rather than created connection
  • We hide vulnerabilities and blemishes, fearing they'll make us unlovable
  • Lubomirsky ended a relationship primarily over texting responsiveness, misinterpreting slow responses as lack of love
  • JFK's approval ratings increased after admitting failure at the Bay of Pigs, showing vulnerability can increase liking
" It's part of our human nature to want to impress others. It's evolutionarily adaptive for us to impress a new potential date or a new business partner or a new friend. We might succeed in impressing the other person, but what it doesn't do is it doesn't really forge a connection. "
" If you really loved me, you would care, you would know how important it is to respond right away, and you still are not doing it. "

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