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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Ask Jay: How Do I Forgive?

August 26, 2026 • 36m

Summary

⏱️ 6 min read

Overview

In this deeply personal episode, Jay Shetty explores the complex nature of forgiveness through four powerful listener questions. From navigating custody decisions and unexpected loss to betrayal and grief, Jay offers compassionate guidance on healing without forcing forgiveness. He emphasizes that forgiveness is more about moving forward than condoning past actions, and that true healing requires patience, self-compassion, and recognizing our existence beyond our relationships.

Custody Decisions and Motherhood Without Guilt

A listener shares her struggle with giving custody of her son to her ex-husband during divorce proceedings, facing societal judgment while questioning if she made the right choice. Jay reframes the conversation by highlighting research showing that legal custody arrangements matter far less than the quality of time spent together. He addresses the gender double standards mothers face and emphasizes that being a good parent is defined by love, affection, and presence rather than custody paperwork.

  • Research shows the top parenting practice predicting child wellbeing is love and affection, not custody arrangements
  • Managing your own stress and maintaining workable relationships with the other parent rank among top three parenting practices
  • Studies reveal identical parenting scenarios are judged more harshly when the parent is identified as a mother versus a father
  • What matters is the quality of connection during FaceTime calls and visits, not whose address appears on paperwork
" Legal custody is not anywhere on that list. It does not name how many nights your child sleeps under your roof or whose address appears on the paperwork. Everything on that list describes what happens between you and your child when you are actually together. "
" Taking care of yourself is not a side quest in parenting. It is a core part of the mission. "

The Nature of Healing and Self-Compassion

Throughout the episode, Jay weaves together themes about the non-linear nature of healing, the difference between forced forgiveness and genuine peace, and the importance of self-compassion. He emphasizes that questioning ourselves proves we're human and care deeply, and that healing doesn't require erasing what happened but rather learning to carry it differently while moving forward.

  • Sometimes we're upset with feeling painful things or asking difficult questions, but these actually prove we're human and that something matters
  • The sign of questioning yourself isn't unhealthy—it's your brain helping you find new pathways and opportunities
  • When painful feelings resurface, ask yourself: is this paranoia from past damage or proactive discernment
  • We often think we need something to get closure, but the real answer is we need to give something, express something that never had a home
" Sometimes we're upset with feeling painful things or asking difficult questions of ourselves but actually those are the two reasons that prove we're human that prove we care that prove that something matters. "
" We often think we need something to get closure. But often the real answer is we need to give something. We need to share something. "

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