Summary
Overview
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty responds to voice notes from listeners struggling with letting go of relationships. He addresses themes of unreciprocated love, emotional abuse, trauma bonding, attachment style conflicts, and the difficulty of deciding whether to give someone a second chance. Throughout the episode, Jay provides compassionate guidance on recognizing self-abandonment, rebuilding trust in oneself after gaslighting, accepting painful truths, and understanding that healing must come before decision-making.
The Breadcrumbing Relationship: When You're Doing All the Work
A listener shares her struggle with an ex-boyfriend who broke up with her on Valentine's Day after she tried to save the relationship through communication and couples therapy. Despite the breakup, he continues to breadcrumb her with inconsistent contact, only reaching out when convenient for him. Jay validates her efforts and introduces the concept of reciprocation in primary relationships, explaining how she's been carrying the weight of the relationship alone while questioning her own worth.
- Listener's ex-boyfriend broke up with her on Valentine's Day after she tried to fix the relationship through communication and couples therapy
- The relationship continues in a breadcrumbing pattern where he contacts her only when he wants to, making her feel like she needs to be a 'good girl'
- Jay emphasizes that primary romantic relationships are the only primary relationships we choose, unlike family relationships
- When a primary relationship lacks reciprocation and investment, you're carrying the relationship alone instead of sharing the weight
" Self-abandonment is not love. Self-sacrifice is not love. Losing yourself is not love. So even if you lost yourself and got someone to love you, that isn't love. "
" You don't become a bad person because you let someone down in your relationship. It doesn't change your entire identity. "
Escaping Emotional Abuse and Trauma Bonds
A 40-year-old woman describes her six-year relationship with her child's father, which involved addiction, repeated lying, manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and physical violence. Despite being separated since January, she struggles to distinguish between genuine love and trauma bonding, questioning her own intuition after years of gaslighting. Jay provides validation, introduces the 'love as action test,' and guides her toward trusting herself again by honoring her pain rather than dismissing it.
- The listener stayed in an abusive relationship for six years because she believed the loving version of her partner was the real one
- After separating, she experiences confusion about whether her feelings represent love, grief, hope, or effects of manipulation
- Jay introduces the 'love as action test' which measures relationships by how you were treated rather than how intensely you feel
- To rebuild self-trust after gaslighting, Jay recommends allowing yourself to fully feel the pain and darkness of the experience rather than avoiding it
" That's not love. That's a trauma bond. It's a hard truth to accept that what you thought was love was a trauma bond. "
" That same part of you that was giving them the understanding, I want you to give yourself that understanding. "
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