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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Gabrielle Bernstein: The Simple 4-Step Method to Heal Anxiety, Stop Overthinking, and Stop People-Pleasing for Good

November 12, 2025 • 1h 21m

Summary

⏱️ 10 min read

Overview

Gabrielle Bernstein, New York Times bestselling author and spiritual teacher, discusses her latest book 'Self-Help' which brings Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy into everyday life. The conversation explores how to befriend the protective parts of ourselves that create chaos, rather than shutting them down, and how accessing 'self-energy' can transform relationships, parenting, and leadership. Gabby shares practical exercises and personal stories about healing trauma, setting boundaries, and finding inner peace while maintaining ambition.

Introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

Gabby introduces IFS as a revolutionary therapy that changed her life by teaching people to befriend the activated parts of themselves rather than suppressing them. She explains that the aspects of ourselves we often hate most—like anxiety, addiction, or controlling behaviors—are actually protective parts trying to keep us safe from past trauma. Instead of fighting these parts, IFS teaches us to get into relationship with them, recognizing they're like little children inside who need care and compassion.

  • IFS is about befriending the activated parts of ourselves that we typically dislike, rather than shutting them down
  • Protection mechanisms like hypervigilance, addiction, or people-pleasing are parts trying to protect us from past trauma
  • These protective parts are really just little children inside saying 'I need care'
  • Self is the higher self or inner wisdom that has qualities like calmness, compassion, curiosity, clarity, and confidence
" The aspects of ourselves that cause the most drama, most chaos in our life, or the most hated aspects are actually the parts of us that are working so hard to protect us. "
" These protection mechanisms that we've been living with for as long as we can remember, to recognize them as young little children inside who need the care of our inner self, of our higher self. "

The Problem with Traditional Self-Help Approaches

Jay and Gabby discuss how most self-help efforts focus on eliminating negative feelings entirely—trying to never feel anxious again or completely blocking out the inner critic. This approach is fundamentally flawed because it treats protective parts as enemies rather than understanding their purpose. Gabby reveals that as children, we develop these protection mechanisms after experiencing trauma, and they've been working hard to keep us safe, even when they create chaos in our adult lives.

  • Most self-help efforts are about never feeling that way again—eliminating anxiety, blocking the inner critic
  • As children, we experience trauma (big T or small t) that creates feelings of terror, inadequacy, or being unlovable
  • We build protection mechanisms like control, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or addiction to never feel that pain again
  • These protector parts become aspects that run the show in our adult lives
" How do I never, ever feel anxious ever again? How do I completely block out the inner critic? How do I never experience this ever again in my life? "

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